


Fate/Grand Order: March of the Morons

by CrimsonReynard



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Gen, Gudako as that thing from Hell, Lancer not ga Shinda but this is probably worse, Not really Riyo Gudako but you can't get much worse, Rated T for swearing get your head out of the gutter, Starring Ritsuka as The Straight Man, Why does Gudako not have a tag, another rerun of the Singularities but with both Masters whoo-ee, shitpost101
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26005918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrimsonReynard/pseuds/CrimsonReynard
Summary: It would not have been an exaggeration to say that the fate of humanity and indeed, the world itself, rested on the shoulders of Chaldea's last two Masters. And as far as the resident Servants were concerned, these two Masters were respectively named Nice Master Ritsuka and Beast X.With nothing but a ragtag team of frankly over-powered ancient heroes, a time-travelling device costing billions, an overworked doctor in his early thirties and whatever Da Vinci decided to be today, the two Masters and their resourceful kouhai must save the world from an untimely demise and restore the course of humanity to its original shabby and rather greasy glory, utilising the powers of love, friendship, understanding, determination, and incredible violence....In hindsight, perhaps the Incineration of Humanity ought to have been left up to its own devices after all.
Kudos: 21





	1. The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> It's a shitpost. That's all, have a nice day.

It would not have been an exaggeration to say that the fate of humanity, and indeed, the very world, rested on the shoulders of humanity’s last two Masters. 

And as far as the residents of Chaldea were concerned, these two Masters were respectively known as Nice Master Ritsuka and Beast VII. 

It was agreed by all that suffered her acquaintance that Gudako was inarguably the single most offending existence in the universe, and could probably give the Grinch Himself (also known as Gilgamesh) a run for his (infinite amount of) money on one of her good days. It was even speculated that she had been born with an Anti-Patience Noble Phantasm, or some kind of Mystic Eyes that achieved the same effect.

Imagine a diamond. Now split it horizontally into four sections. At the top stood charitable people and geniuses. Below, in the wider section, were normal, everyday people such as Ritsuka Fujimaru, who, while not overwhelmingly brilliant, kept society running by the mere fact of their existence. In layman’s terms, the ‘common folk’. Even further below lay the scum of the universe. People who seemed like they were never born, but simply popped into existence behind a set of bars and made Blackbeard look like a blushing cherub by comparison. Below this was Gilgamesh. This part is self-explanatory.

Gudako was a good hundred miles below the last segment of the diamond.

It was like she was on a holy mission to dispense as much misery as she was able. Her offences ranged from camping outside the summoning room to ridicule the Heroic Spirits’ outfits and constantly mocking Romani’s idol obsession, to skipping out on Director Olga Marie’s funeral due to the obtaining of a new console game.

A certain Lancer in blue tights carried marks on his back from being viciously stabbed with a pencil.

(“Look,” Da Vinci had said, after pulling Ritsuka and Mash aside from Gudako’s latest epiphany. “I know how this sounds, but maybe you two should try to resolve the next Singularity without her.”

Ritsuka and Mash exchanged a look. 

Chaos reigned in the background as a food fight ensued.

“Wouldn’t it be more risky-“ Mash started.

“I know, I know,” Da Vinci sighed. “Believe me, I’ve thought about it. Twice, actually, which is two more times than I usually need to think. But understand, she’s still untested. You two have seen what it’s like in Fuyuki. She hasn’t. On top of that, she’s hardly trained. And with the attitude of hers...”

“She’ll get better,” Ritsuka said firmly. 

As if to disprove this, a baguette smacked into the wall beside his head and promptly turned to mush from the force applied.

“Well,” Da Vinci said doubtfully, eyeing the mess dripping down the wall. “It’s your choice, I suppose. You’re the ones going out there with her.”

Mash failed to suppress a wince.)

It was agreed by all that the shortest end of the stick belonged to Caster. Each Servant, regardless of religious preference, had only one thought in mind when they looked at him. This being : ‘By God, I’m glad that isn’t me’.

In an unexpected turn of events, the cause of this particular disaster could be attributed to Ritsuka, who had insisted on assigning a personal Heroic Spirit to her against all reason and apparently in an effort to show goodwill. As it was said : "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions - and presumably whatever Gudako had told her demonic underlings to lay down.

(“Like how Mash is with me, you know,” he said, in the most persuasive tone he could come up with, which, going by her expression, wasn’t as persuasive as he had hoped. “More... directly connected to your mana, so if Chaldea’s mana support system starts acting up, you’ll still have someone to fall back on. It’ll be a more intimate kind of bond, I suppose. You’ll know where each other is, so if you’re in trouble and no one else can reach you...”

“Sounds like a massive fucking breach of privacy to me,” Gudako muttered. It was one of her good days. Afternoon already and she hadn’t even insulted Romani yet. This state of affairs, however, did not last long as she would go on to raid Da Vinci’s workshop later that night and be found embarrassingly caught in one of the motion-trigger nets the next morning. “Besides, I can’t stand any of these bastards. We’ll probably end up knifing each other before the week’s out.”

Ritsuka couldn’t help but agree.

“We can summon someone new,” Ritsuka suggested, after a pause. “How about this; we go to the summoning room now, and the first spirit who answers is your partner.”

Gudako glared at him. Then, after trying and failing to find an excuse to call him names unsuited for the ears of those under thirteen, she reluctantly said: “What if they’re an asshole?”

Then you’d be perfect for each other, was what Ritsuka didn’t say out loud. It was an uncharacteristic thought for him to have and he immediately felt contrite at himself. Wasn’t the point of this to try and get her to cooperate?

“Don’t worry, you can cut the contract anytime you want,” Ritsuka said, surreptitiously crossing his fingers behind his back. “Or just, uh, use a command seal. They grow back, at the rate of one a day,” he added helpfully.

Gudako considered this. “Alright,” she said unenthusiastically. “Sounds like one hell of a scam but what gives, eh? Not like life in this garbage station can get any worse. But if they’re shitty, you’ll be the first to know.”

In the privacy of his mind, Ritsuka lit candles and profusely apologised to the Heroic Spirit about to be summoned)

After the Fuyuki debacle, Ritsuka had moved into the room next to Mash’s, seeing as the original owner was in cryostasis and unlikely to complain about it any time in the near future. Caster, on the other hand, had situated himself in the furthest habitable room he could find from Gudako’s residence, citing a sudden and unbearable migraine accompanied by mild homicidal urges whenever she was in a thirty-meter radius of him. The staff had sympathised and converted an unused staff room into habitable quarters with speed and efficacy that would have made a hotel manager weep in joy.

“I don’t think “I played your grandfather in fourth grade” was quite the introduction he was expecting,” Romani had said gently, after finding the girl sulking in the wake of yet another casual death threat voiced by Caster.

Gudako muttered something under her breath.

“I’m sorry?”

“I said, “I didn’t ask for your goddamn opinion”,” Gudako snapped, and went to throw a banana at the back of a certain blue Lancer’s head.

Of course, some would opine that Caster deserved to be stuck with the monstrosity. The man was not without his own shortcomings. To begin with, he had an unfortunate tendency of making people feel inferior every time he opened his mouth. Caster, as befitting of his class, was unparalleled in verbal combat and prone to delivering scathing albeit roundabout lectures in complicated words not a lot of people understood. This by itself would have been acceptable, if not for the fact that he took offence at the most unpredictable things. (i.e, the temperature system in the shower, and the lack of a bathtub. This prompted a very philosophical soliloquy on the importance of hot baths and the functions of the mind in relation to bathing, which was then followed by an aloof pardon on account of general human ignorance. For some unknown reason, the people present that day felt like they had narrowly escaped an untimely demise. The next day, an obnoxiously gold bathtub mysteriously appeared in all living quarters in Chaldea, which prompted much consternation from the staff, a significant amount of bewilderment on the part of a certain blue Lancer, and a not inconsequential degree of amusement from Caster’s Master. It was a testament to her good mood that day that nothing remarkable happened in Chaldea save for a wet towel falling on Romani’ head when he entered the supply storage to take inventory). Many an employee had handed in their resignation papers after committing some unforeseen slight and subsequently getting threat-lectured at until their sense of self worth became history.

It was, in hindsight, a miracle that Chaldea had stayed functional up to the discovery of the First Singularity.


	3. Garbage Fire Singularity II: The Attack of (Possibly) French Soldiers and Teenage Drama, ft. Caster Actually Appearing (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the party touch down in Singularity I and Gudako takes issue with the fine old traditions of witch hunting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a shitpost. Have a nice day.

As it was, the first Singularity kicked off in a spectacular chain explosion of disasters. 

“This is nice,” Gudako announced to no one in particular, as Ritsuka yelled frantically into the communicator. Lancer rolled his eyes and went to sit in the shade of a vast oak while Caster crossed his arms and eyed them like they were a bunch of donkeys, except the look on his face suggested donkeys were probably more competent.

“Doctor? Doctor Roman! Hello? Can you hear me? This is Ritsuka-“

Gudako wandered up to a tree. “Bonjour, je ne fucking know ou je is, le directions, silver plate.”

Mash sat on the ground, dazed, with her shield in her lap. Wind played at her hair, teasing the light pink strands like silk unravelling from a dropped spindle. In a trance, Mash pinched an errant strand and let it fall through her fingers.

“This is wind?” She said softly.

Gudako looked at her sideways. “Does Rayshifting often do this to someone’s brain?”

“... Roman? Roman? Can you hear me-“

Mash ran a hand through the grass. “I never expected grass to feel so... lively,” she said in wonder.

Gudako gave her a weird look, but decided not to say anything. Mash noticed it and hurriedly explained: “There wasn’t a lot of wind in Fuyuki and we were too busy fighting... I didn’t have the time to-“

“Wait, hold on,” Gudako interrupted, frowning. “You’ve never felt wind before? Are you saying you’ve never been outside that garbage station in your whole life?”

Caster glanced at them. Despite the fact that he was standing fifty feet away, Gudako suddenly knew with a startling clarity that he could hear every word that was being said, and was taking interest. She stuffed her left hand into her pocket, forming a certain middle-finger prominent gesture, and was rewarded with a cold stare.

Gudako didn’t bother hiding her smirk. Clairvoyance, huh.

Mash shifted uncomfortably. “Romani didn’t tell you?”

Gudako turned her attention back to Mash, who was sifting tufts of grass through her fingers nervously. “Tell me what? Anything else about this cult of an institution I should know about before I file a lawsuit?”

Mash hesitated. “I’m an... I’m an artificial human. I was created inside Chaldea, for a specific purpose, and there was never any reason for me to leave.”

Gudako stared. And then she stared some more. 

“That’s nice,” she said blankly. 

“Guys-“

Both of them started at the sudden intrusion. Ritsuka stood between them sheepishly, holding the communicator.

“Is everyone there?” Romano’s voice crackled out of the device.

“Yes, we’re all here,” Ritsuka answered. “Isn’t there supposed to be a display? Like in Fuyuki, when you talked to the-“

He cut himself off and frowned. Mash stood up and moved closer to him, like she was going to put a hand on his shoulder, but stopped.

“Something went wrong with the communication equipment on our end,” Romani said, after a pause. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing serious. The staff are fixing it as we speak.” Then, in a softer tone: “Ritsuka, if you need to talk-“

“I know. Thanks, doctor.” Ritsuka cleared his throat. “So, er, back to the problem at hand. We don’t exactly know where we are.”

“Oh... well, the positioning equipment says you’re definitely in France, in the year 1431, so you can’t be that far off.”

Gudako peered at the device suspiciously. “You sure there’s nothing wrong with that piece of tech, Doc? Also, there’s a gigantic freaking hoop in the sky-”

“What’s this?” A blue figure barged past her.

“Son of a-“

Lancer ignored her and eyed the communicator curiously. “Is this some type of magecraft? Does it have an imp inside it? I have heard tales of magicians capturing minor demons and enslaving them for their use...”

“Wouldn’t you know?” Gudako muttered under her breath. “Don’t you multiclass as a Caster? Or was that bullshit on a ladle again?”

“It’s a communication device, Lancer,” Romani explained. “I’m talking with you from Chaldea, hundreds of years and two continents away. Isn’t it amazing?”

“Oh. Well.” Lancer scratched his head nonchalantly with the butt of his spear. “It’s just you, then.”

“Sorry for not being an enslaved imp,” Romani sighed. “Anyway, I’ve heard from four of you. Is Caster there?”

“Yup,” Gudako said unenthusiastically. “Unfortunately. Mr. Holier-Than-Thou is over there-“ she glanced at Caster, who was a little way off, looking in the opposite direction with a deceptive air of ignorance. 

Ritsuka’s eyes met Mash’s, and both of them suddenly knew with a horrible sinking feeling that they were about to witness Chaldea’s first Master death at the hands of their own Servant.

Gudako made a face. “- you know what, I know he can hear me, so I’m gonna stop here before I get Avada Kedavra’d into oblivion.”

Then, under her breath, she added: “Asshat.”

Mash surreptitiously placed herself between in front of Gudako. There was a moment of tense silence that seemed to stretch into eternity, which ended when it became clear that Caster either hadn’t heard anything or was perhaps simply possessed of an enormous amount of self-control. Either way, Gudako failed to die a horrible and agonising death, which would later prove to be a mixed blessing for the world at large.

Ritsuka let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Oh, er, that’s good to hear,” said Romani, who had been following the situation with one hand on the Rayshift controls, not that it would have made much of a difference given the activation time required.

“Well, well, well. She is capable of learning.” Lancer smirked, leaning on his spear. “Clever girl.”

Gudako rounded on him and shook a finger in his face. “Shut it, doggy. Somebody ought to see your owner about a muzzle.”

“If I may have your attention-“

Lancer only grinned wider. “Don’t make threats you can’t follow up, lass. Unreasonable women may have a certain appeal, but there’s a line between unreasonable and overbearing. Say, Master?”

“There’s something you might want to know-“

Ritsuka mumbled something incoherent under his breath.

Mash moved to stand in front of him. “Don’t bring Senpai into this!”

Gudako looked for something to throw at him. When it became apparent there were no projectiles conveniently lying around, she crossed her arms and snorted. “Yeah, yeah. To be honest, I could not be less interested in your romantic preferences. You’ve got a point, though. It’d take a very unreasonable woman to even take a second look at you.”

Lancer gave a horrible grin. “Oh? Would you-”

“If you would kindly pay attention for one moment!” Romani shouted.

Lancer and Gudako’s mouths shut with a synchronized click as a startled look crossed their faces.

There was a creaking sound as Romani apparently sat back down. “Good. Now that I have your attention, I would like to make a few things clear. First of all, you are in the year 1431. France and England are currently in the midst of an extended military conflict known as the Hundred-Year War, which I assume you’re all familiar with?”

Murmurs of assent rose from the group.

“Although it is currently a relatively peaceful period of the war, the tensions are high and military conflict could arise at any given moment. France and England-” Romani took a deep breath. “Point being, please steer clear of anyone in armour. Or carrying weapons. Or just generally looking antagonistic.”

“Already failed,” Gudako quipped. “Given that the discount single-use latex glove Lancer thinks is full body armour actually qualifies.”

“Oi! I’ll have ye know-”

“Also, Doctor,” Mash jumped in, before the conversation could devolve into verbal violence. “There’s a ring of light in the sky. It’s uh, very big. I’d send you the visuals, but-”

There was a sudden beep. A beam of blue light emitted from the communicator and coalesced into the shape of Romani’s startled face.

“Well,” he said, after a moment of silence. “It seems that they’ve fixed the problem. It’s not the best quality, but I’ve got video feed now, and, uh…”

“What is it, Doctor?” 

“Some sort of magecraft cast over the satellite orbit?” Romani mumbled distractedly. “There were certainly no records of such a phenomenon in 1431… It could be linked to the cause of the Singularity. Anyway, we’ll-”

He was abruptly cut off by a sharp, condescending laugh.

The group jumped. Gudako screeched. Ritsuka managed to trip over Mash’s shield and sprawled gracelessly into the dirt.

“Goddammit!” Gudako shouted, over the sound of Mash profusely apologising and Ritsuka’s repeated reassurances as Lancer cackled on in the background.

Caster crossed his arms and gave a smile that was not so much a smile as a baring of teeth. It was cold, predatory, and made the thing crocodiles did when they caught a nice, fat deer by surprise look very uninteresting indeed. There was something about him that commanded attentiveness, something that didn’t need to be said aloud. Calling him a ‘Servant’ felt like breaking some kind of sacred rule and gave the unshakeable feeling that you were disappointing all of your ancestors at once.

Gudako thought of the seals on her hands - oh, the heresy - and gave an involuntary shiver. Then the moment passed and she settled back into the comfortable groove of casual hatred she had become accustomed to in the past few weeks.

“Mongrels, as amusing as this is, there must be a limit to inherent human foolishness.” 

Caster had a voice like a SurroundSound system that had gained sentience and a god complex, Gudako thought peevishly. It was loud, it was commanding, and it seemed to come out of everywhere at once. Definitely irritating. She demanded a refund.

“-if you intend to build a comedy routine, irony will only take you so far,” he finished, turning to direct a pointed look at Romani’s hologram projection, which had frozen in the act of reaching for a cup.

“Am I the only one missing something here?” Gudako said. Nobody took notice.

“Er… if you could elaborate, Your Majesty?” Ritsuka said awkwardly.

Caster turned away with a soft ‘hmph’. “The nature of the situation is well within your knowledge. Doctor of Chaldea, there is a difference between the ignorant and the wilfully obtuse, would you not agree?”

“A dictionary,” Gudako muttered, as Caster shifted back to spirit form. “That’s what we need. A freaking dictionary. Whatever the Grail taught him, it wasn’t modern day English.”

Lancer scrutinised the spot where Caster had been standing with an unreadable expression, but otherwise made no comment.

“Doctor, are you alright?”

Mash’s concerned voice broke Romani out of his reverie. “Ah… yes, thank you.” He cleared his throat. “At any rate, the ring of light is at least as big as North America - but you won’t have time to worry about that now, because there is a company of soldiers headed your direction.”

“What?!” 

Stumbling out of a nearby copse was indeed a disoriented troupe of soldiers, the leader of which carried a white standard with yellow stars dotted all over it.

“French, by the looks of that flag,” Romani added helpfully.

“Bloody hell, give us more warning next time!” Gudako howled. “You literally had one job, you failure of a sapient being!” 

“There’s still time to hide,” Ritsuka suggested.

Gudako squinted at the surrounding plains, which offered no means of subterfuge whatsoever. “Hide where? Under your mother’s skirts?”

Ritsuka shut his mouth, with an expression not unlike that of a kicked dog.

“We can talk with them to find out more about what’s going on,” Mash said quickly, before Gudako could further expound on exactly what she thought about Ritsuka’s idea.

“I thought the whole idea was to ‘keep away from soldiers’?!” Gudako yelled.

Due to the flat nature of the plains, Gudako’s shout carried quite some way and travelled unimpeded to the soldiers’ ears. A Brownian motion of head turns occurred, which then led to a long and uncomfortable stare-off between the two groups.

“Well done,” Lancer commented dryly.

Gudako took off a shoe and threw it at him.

“Now that we’re here, we might as well as talk to them,” Ritsuka said stoically. Then he seemed to shrink in a little on himself as all eyes turned to him. “Er, I don’t have a lot of experience with this and I’d prefer not to be attacked. Ah - Lancer?”

Lancer scratched an ear. “What, you don’t know what to say? Well, I’ve never had much cause to avoid conflicts, but I hear ‘we come in peace’ generally works.”

Gudako gave a derisive snort. “That’s way too overused. They’re probably sick of hearing it. Try ‘England sucks, vive la France’.”

“What if they’re English?” Mash said, glancing sideways at Romani’s projection.

“Have you no faith in me?” the doctor cried, pressing a hand against his chest dramatically.

“Absolutely not,” Mash and Gudako said at the same time, then shared a look of surprise.

“I’ll, uh, keep your advice in mind,” Ritsuka said awkwardly. “Let’s go, Mash.”

The remaining two (and presumably Caster, who was still in spirit form) watched Ritsuka and Mash walk down to the gathered soldiers. 

A beat of silence passed. Then, out of the blue, Lancer turned to look at Gudako. “So, kid. What’s been eating ya?”

Gudako started. “What’s what?”

“Come on, kid.” Lancer planted his spear in the ground and rested an arm on top of it. “I’ve met my share of unreasonable women. They’ve always got a story to tell, more often woeful than not. And the angsty teenager drama is getting old, you know? Bit of a cliche, that.”

Gudako blinked. For a moment, she looked genuinely surprised and maybe a little confused. “What, you don’t know? Are you shitting me or - wait, who the hell is in charge of the candidate recruitment, anyway?”

“What does that have to do with-“

“- _Gudako! Lancer_!”

The two turned their heads to be greeted with the sight of Ritsuka and Mash running back up the hill as fast as their legs would carry them. Behind them, a whole troop of (possibly) French soldiers pursued with visibly homicidal intent.

“Jesus Christ, what did you say to them?” Gudako shouted.

“Hello!” Ritsuka yelled back. “I said ‘hello’!”

“-them! Gut the English bastards -“

“It seems that the translator was not working properly and the soldiers heard it in English,” Romani interjected. “Which then led them to assume Ritsuka and Mash were English spies.”

“Idiots! Asshats! Walking plagues on the history of human intelligence! What kind of spy speaks their home language in enemy territory?!” Gudako howled. “And if the translator isn’t working, then why can I understand them?”

“It seems to be a very specific malfunction,” Romani mumbled.

“Humanity is doomed and it’s probably better that way,” Gudako said gloomily, and started to run. Then she stopped and looked back at Lancer, who was still rooted to the same spot and looking at her like she belonged in an animal enclosure. It eventually occurred to Gudako that they, an organisation specialising in resolving world-ending threats with the use of ridiculously overpowered ancient warrior dead that movie directors probably saw in their wet dreams, were running from perfectly ordinary human soldiers. And by the look of dawning realisation on Ritsuka’s face, he was on the same train of thought.

It was, all in all, a moment that would be looked back on by future Chaldean staff with acute interest and a generous amount of embarrassment.

Lancer sighed and hefted his spear. “Let’s get this over with, shall we?”

There was a shower of golden light as Caster materialised next to Gudako, who let out an undignified shriek and jumped three feet into the air.

“Ah fuck! You’ve got to stop doing that!”

Caster looked faintly amused, in the detached and aloof manner he customarily exhibited. Ah, shit, Gudako though gloomily, as it became apparent that he wasn’t going to just leave quietly. Here we go again. 

“Do you find my presence discomfiting, mongrel? It is only fitting to feel awe at such a distance to my person. Or perhaps you are afraid of incurring my displeasure at such an intrusion?” He gave a short peal of laughter. It had a theatric quality to it, like it alway did. Grandiose and proud, a laugh built to ring around a full playhouse. “Very well, I shall grant you permission to remain in my presence, as base and vulgar as you are, as you have provided ample entertainment.”

There was a brief moment of silence as Gudako attempted to digest this and then gave up.

“I didn’t catch most of that and I’m not sure I wanted to,” Gudako said flatly. “Have you finally decided to join us peasants, O great and mighty one?”

Lancer snickered quietly.

“For this battle, at least, I will lend you my strength,” Caster conceded. “Consider it a test.”

“Yes, O divine son of the fates,” Gudako said sardonically.

Caster narrowed his eyes but said nothing.

“Use non lethal force when possible,” Romani broke in. “These are people, remember. Try to use the back of your swords.”

Mash looked down at her shield.

Lancer looked down at his spear.

Caster’s golden portals rippled silently in the breeze.

“Never mind,” Romani sighed. “Just don’t kill anyone.”

Gudako eyed Caster’s portals and grudgingly admitted that regardless of what she thought of their owner, they were in fact aesthetically pleasing. Which was an odd thought to have with thirty odd (possibly French) soldiers bearing down on them and humanity’s fate hanging by a thread, but Gudako’s usual thought process was really the mental equivalent of raging rhinoceros on thirty pounds of bad acid and it was entirely possible that these facts hadn’t registered.

“Senpai! Your orders!” Mash shouted. 

Ritsuka started. “Ah - engage in battle, strike to incapacitate.” He looked at Romani’s projection as if for reassurance, who gave him a thumbs-up.

“Roger!” Mash shouted, diving into the fray shield-first.

“Yes, Master,” Lancer grinned.

It took some time for Gudako to realise that Caster hadn’t moved at all. She directed an accusing look at him, as if to say _what is the meaning of this?_

And was promptly rewarded with another shark-like look of amusement. “Well, mongrel?”

Gudako looked behind herself to check if he was actually talking to someone else. When it became apparent that he wasn’t, she responded peevishly with: “Why are you looking at me? You know what to do. I’m just here to watch.”

Caster’s reptilian eyes glittered coldly. “It is up to the Master to command the Servant, is it not?”

Something about the look reached deep inside Gudako’s instincts and flipped a switch marked ‘primal terror’. For a moment, all she wanted to do was to crawl into a corner and mewl pitifully to be allowed to live. Then Caster tilted his head ever so slightly, and the feeling passed. Gudako took a deep breath, partly to steady herself and partly because she had briefly forgotten how to do it and was running out of air.

The number of things that were completely and utterly certain in the universe were few, but the fact that Gudako refused to play along with whatever mindfuckery this shady organisation was trying to cook up was one of them.

“First off,” she said slowly. “I don’t want to hear the word ‘Master’ out of your mouth. It sounds all kinds of weird and you say it in the same voice you used to describe a cockroach you found in the kitchen sink last week. Second, not even I’m conceited enough to tell a warrior king of ye ancient ages what to do on a battlefield. Third-“

“Oi, are you going to join or not?” Lancer yelled, sweeping the shaft of his spear through the air to connect with several unprotected foreheads.

“Third,” Gudako continued as Caster waited patiently amidst the chaos. “You explicitly told me you’d kill me seven ways to Sunday, drag me back from Hell, and do it all over again if I so much as told you to move a finger. Not in those exact words, but I think I got the gist of it.”

“Despite your shortcomings, as many in number as they are, you show progress.” Caster smiled in a way that reminded Gudako of a basking crocodile. “Perhaps there is hope for you, after all. Rejoice, mongrel. You shall know the strength of the King.”

With those words, something dropped out of a portal into his waiting hand. The object was made from stone and resembled a book. A proto book, made in an age when its papery cousins were as good as sci-fi material. It was what would have happened if somebody who had never seen a book before dreamed about one, and then tried to commit their impression of it to stone. Golden letters of an unknown language swirled giddily above the two halves of the tablet, occasionally coagulating into rings of light.

Caster waved a hand idly over the tablet. There was a soft humming sound, then strings of golden letters erupted from the ground to twine around the soldiers’ limbs. A confused orchestra of shouts and clangs issued from the company as they discovered their situation and attempted to free themselves. Some tried to cut themselves free with their swords, to no avail.

Lancer jumped back, eyeing the scene. “I don’t recall seeing that one last time,” he remarked offhandedly.

“What do you mean, last time?” Gudako muttered, eyes glued to the golden glyphs. “This is literally the first time he’s ever done anything aside from opening portals threateningly.”

“Gates,” Caster corrected. “The Gates of Babylon. You will remember that, mongrel.”

“Yes, O rising light of the East,” Gudako intoned sardonically.

“Witchcraft!” One of the soldiers shouted. “Allies of the Dragon Witch! You will all be burnt at stake for your crimes against God!”

Gudako scratched her nose obnoxiously. “Oh, yeah. Forgot burning people alive was a trend in this era.”

“Witch!” The soldier howled, struggling against the glowing letters. “Dog of the Dragon Witch! You’ll burn in Hell for this, harlot!”

Gudako’s eye twitched. Caster’s eyes flickered over to her, and for a moment, it seemed like he wasn’t looking at, but through her, like she was some sort of two-way mirror to some hidden place only he could see. Then he suddenly gave a soft, amused ‘hmph!’ and turned away.

“No, no, you’ve got it wrong-“ Ritsuka started to say.

Gudako suddenly gave a horrible grin.

Oh no, went Ritsuka, in the privacy of his mind. 

“Dragon Witch? Who’s Dragon Witch? Sounds interesting. Much more interesting than you lot, anyway,” Gudako mused. “Wait, I forgot. The translator isn’t working, is it? In which case-“ 

She walked up to the soldier, hunkered down, and maintained eye contact with him for a length of time that would have been considered vastly inappropriate by civilised society. After an eternity, she finally spoke, and she went on speaking for a long time. “Listen here, you pathetic son of an incontinent mule,” she began, with a facial expression that had the emotional range of a piece of granite and a tone so flat it would have made a pancake connoisseur sob in ecstasy. “You stink, you’re ugly, you have the IQ of a loaf of bread, and your wife doesn’t love you. And I know for a fact you pissed yourself because you smell like an open sewer. What’s this? A bleached patch around your crotch? Make a habit of pissing our pants, do we? Why don’t you buy a new pair? Oh, I’m so sorry, I forgot you were dirt poor, talentless, and can’t make enough money to not disappoint your parents. Did I mention that you stink? Yes? Well, I’m going to mention it again, because your very existence is a continuous offence against any living organism that possesses olfactory senses, and you can probably contaminate every water source within a seven-mile radius just by being alive. Ever wondered why you could never make any friends? Because you, sir, are humanity’s worst traits scraped right off the bottom of the proverbial barrel and given human form as a walking, breathing collection of trash. Women aren’t witches, you’re just insecure and incompetent, you pathetic, dastardly-“

Gudako stopped in the middle of her sentence. Caster was laughing uproariously behind her, the golden portals - Gates - seemingly rippling with his mirth. Ritsuka stood rooted to the spot, his mouth hanging slightly open, and Mash looked vaguely uncomfortable with the whole situation.

“Doctor,” Gudako said slowly. “I think the translator is working.”

“Yes, I would think so,” Romani agreed.

“He’s crying, Doctor.”

“I feel sorry for him,” Lancer muttered under his breath.

“You have done well, mongrel!” Caster laughed. “Crushing the enemy without raising a finger against them - now, this is a rare talent. Even I will have to acknowledge it. It seems that even the most flawed and vulgar of existences have their uses.”

“Don’t listen to him, Master. If that man was born with a soul, then he has forfeited it a long time ago,” Lancer muttered to Ritsuka, who shuddered.

The soldier was openly sobbing now, streams of tears and snot making tracks in the layer of grime that covered his face, carving out a new strata of dirt and soot that would have made a geologist weep with joy and then immediately gut themselves with a fish knife. Gudako looked down her nose at him, commented ‘gross’, and walked off, looking pleased with herself.

Ritsuka patted his pockets and produced a small stack of neatly folded tissues, which he offered to the man with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry about that. I’m sure it’s not true.” He looked at the bleached patch on his pants. “Well, not all of it, anyway.”

“Oi, are you calling me a liar?” Gudako yelled from some distance away.

Lancer put a hand on her shoulder and steered her in the other direction. “Read the atmosphere, kid. Ye gods, this is one hell of a summoning. I never thought I’d end up playing the straight man.”

Ritsuka looked down at the soldier, who was by now blubbering incoherently with his face pressed against the dirt. “Er, Caster, can you release them?”

Caster smiled unpleasantly. “Are you certain, mongrel? Soldiers are men of resolve. They do not make peace easily. If they choose to attack you upon their release, I will not intervene again. Besides, I do not recall having formed a contract with you. What do you think, Master?”

Gudako mumbled something uncomplimentary under her breath. Then she turned to the soldiers and said: “We’re not witches, we’re not English, and there isn’t enough common sense between the lot of you to open a chip packet. Raise another weapon against us and you’ll have to use both hands to pick up a spoon for the rest of your life, and you’ll be needing that spoon to drink porridge ‘cos of having no damn teeth. _Capiche_?”

Reluctantly, the captured soldiers murmured their assent. Caster waved a hand dismissively, and the bands of golden light dissipated into motes of dust.

“Right,” Romani sighed, as the soldiers shook out their limbs with no small amount of relief. “Now that’s sorted, perhaps you can ask them what’s going on?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \o/ praise the sun  
> |  
> /\

**Author's Note:**

> N/A, just like Okita's strengthening quest


End file.
